This month, the New York Times has hosted a debate in its
opinion section on whether the discipline of celibacy should be dropped for
Catholic priests. There have been
various debates going back and forth on the issue, the pros and the cons. In one of the pieces, the author argues “how
so many Roman Catholic priests often spend a great deal of time and energy
dealing with the negative psychological effects of not having true intimacy in
their lives; not being able to live out the fullness of the human experience,
which includes committed loving relationships and not ignoring your sexuality
by totally repressing it.”
This is a common objection to the discipline of
celibacy. I have often found that once
someone becomes comfortable talking with me (i.e. realizes that there is a human
being behind the collar) it is the first question they ask, in one way or
another. Even the question “What made
you want to be a priest?” often has the undertones of a deeper question: “Why
would you (who seem like a rational and fairly well-balanced person) voluntarily
choose a life deprived of healthy intimacy and shackled to sexual repression?” In today’s world, the celibate priest is a
walking enigma.
Celibacy is only comprehensible in a culture that values and
lives chastity. In fact, I would say that celibate men and
women function as a kind of barometer for the psycho-sexual health of a
culture. When a culture has a healthy
psycho-sexual outlook, the embrace of celibacy by certain men and women is
understood and appreciated. When, on the
other hand, the culture is unhealthy, hedonistic, and driven by lust, celibacy
is not only scorned and ridiculed, it becomes incomprehensible. And this is because
the men and women of this unhealthy culture can only understand intimacy and sexual
expression within the context of the genital and sensual – they have become
slaves of the flesh, suspicious of anyone who claims to be able to live without
the shackles they have embraced.
This is a reality that I have encountered personally time
and again. I have found that
often those who protest the loudest about the impossibility of a healthy
celibate life are those who have a difficult time living chastely. This makes perfect
sense. If you have no desire or ability to
live chastely, a happy and healthy celibate man or woman is salt in the wound –
his or her freedom in the flesh is proof that you need not be a slave to yours.
This is hard for someone to hear if they
have reconciled themselves to the idea that their flesh must be indulged in
order for them be happy. Slaves do not
usually like being told that they are responsible for their own bondage.
Now, obviously this is not to say that every celibate man or
woman is chaste! Far from it! Celibate men and women often struggle mightily
to live chastely, especially in our sexualized culture. But they do so within a context that, by and
large, encourages and expects them to persevere in this struggle. And by and large they are quite successful. Since priests and religious have given themselves
to Christ, their fidelity is directed to his body, the Church. And though she certainly has her sins and
failings, the Church tends to be a great help to the priest or religious in living
a healthy chaste life. While it is true
that from time to time pastoral situations arise in which the priest or
religious might be tempted, for the most part, the people of God expect and support
chastity and purity in their priests and religious. In fact, priests and religious live a chaste
intimacy with those they minister to that is hard to imagine outside of the
pastoral context. The priest or
religious is continually being invited into contexts of intense non-sensual
intimacy, drawn into the very heart of families during moments of struggle or
joy, and into the very depths of souls in need of counsel. The beauty of the Church, of the people of
God, is that within this context of great intimacy she confirms and supports
the chastity and purity of her priests, who are to her other Christs.
On the other hand, it is much easier for a married person to
live as a slave to the flesh and to rationalize his or her slavery. Couples are often unprepared to live
chastely, many times having lived promiscuously and lustfully for years. Even couples that have strong Christian
convictions and wait until they are married before engaging in sexual activity
are often under the mistaken notion that they will not need to struggle to live
chastely after their wedding day. On
every corner they find reinforced again and again the notion that a happy and
healthy marriage will satisfy their every sexual desire. The acquiescence of a sexual partner is the
only criteria that society requires in order to condone sexual activity, as if mutual
objectification or the willingness of a partner to be objectified somehow makes
everything okay. With the advent of
modern forms of contraception, the problem is accentuated. The natural pace of a woman’s reproductive
cycle no longer moderates sexual activity, forcing the couple to find other
ways to express their affection for one another. Widespread access to
pornography and social networking sites further compounds the challenges, as spouses
are tempted to turn to the virtual world in order to satiate their desires,
rather embrace the sacrificial nature of married love. This is more tenacious temptation for a
married person, because they often have the notion that their marriage somehow
gives them the right to have their sexual and emotional needs met. How many times in the confessional a priest
will hear a confession of sins against chastity that begins with “Well, my wife
and I have not been intimate for years…”
A couple that is striving to live their sexual intimacy authentically
and generously is never able to passively sit back or coast. They are continually being called upon to
restrain their passions or to enflame them according to the needs of their
spouse and children. Gradually, through
much sacrifice and effort, a couple becomes more and more chaste in the sexual
expression of their love for one another.
If they persevere, they do not experience the lack of sexual activity
that characterizes the last stages of marriage to be a burden, but instead a
natural progression and opportunity to deepen the intimate harmony of their
lives. In fact, these last, celibate
years are often the years when their love is most pure and their intimacy most
profound.
How is all of this related to discernment of one’s vocation? It is critical for the young man who is
discerning to recognize that the struggle to live a chaste life is a
requirement of any path forward, and that in many ways chastity is more
difficult for the married man than for a celibate man, not less. It is also important for him to appreciate
the deep intimacy that a priest is privileged to experience in non-sexual ways. In other words, to see the utter
ridiculousness of the notion that celibacy requires an unhealthy suppression of
one’s sexuality and the giving up of true intimacy. The life of a priest is the life of a man called into an intimate relationship of love with the Church, who offers him her chaste
love in return. In order to
authentically live in love, we must all battle to control our sexual desires, whether
married or celibate, so that we can be vessels of the chaste, free, and
beautiful love of Christ.
